Potential Smack Downs of BART

 

Ever share a Bart car with just the most interesting character? Today I have been graced with one very loud African American woman. She was rocking some old school Jay-Z for the whole car to hear and suddenly her phone rings. Her phone conversation quickly starts to resemble a Jerry Springer script. I’m so enthralled with this one sided argument that I don’t realize I’m staring. Suddenly we made eye contact and I felt a cold chill vibrate through my body. For my own safety, I’m on car #1819 and tell my family I love them. I guess ease dropping is a federal offense.

Bad BART, Bad!

Dear Bart,
Please do not put an AIDS advertisement next to a 24 hour fitness advertisement. I feel it is immoral to ask the general public to choose between these two different types of weight loss. They are completely different and should be treated as such. One is a life style change, a commitment to a new diet, various supplements and a risk that it might not even work. The other is a cult of vain people wearing large amounts of makeup and lifting heavy weights once in a mirror just to walk away without even breaking a sweat!
See what you are doing Bart?!
Shame on you.

The Old BART Ruse

 

Before I begin, I would like to start by saying I applaud you sir! You have all the things that scream successful, rich and well adjusted. High gloss designer shoes, hundred dollar shades on top of your head. We all know that if they fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces it’s OK because they were only a hundred dollars. We also know you are well adjusted because not only do you have all the latest gadgets but also you know how to use them which shows you are indeed practical in your gadget needs. Yet just between us, I have keen eyesight for all that is geeky. We both know that under that high-end look you’re reading a graphic novel that has you so distracted you haven’t even realized that you are crowding someone else’s personal bubble. You are also totally geeking out to techno music that is giving life to this commute and for that deception sir you deserve recognition!

 

-People of BART Geek Addition

Faces of Bart

Two things make me happy while riding Bart. One, getting a window seat but that’s a given right? The second is being able to see from my window seat all the different people’s reactions to the Bart doors shutting in their faces. I’m not happy at their pain, maybe a little if I’m having a really bad day, but rather you get to see the most distorted faces. Very interesting. 

Zombies of Bart

Riding Bart on a Sunday gives me the same feeling I get when watching the Walking Dead. Something doesn’t feel right, this ride is going take way longer than it should and the blood stains left by the moving zombie torso is doing wonders on the old stained carpet.

Ode to the Toe Nails of Bart

Sadly I have seen so many weird and disgusting things on Bart that I didn’t think something like giant toenail clippings would shake me. However these bad boys here have my full attention. I am conflicted; these nails must have such an interesting story. Where had these toes been? Was one still traumatized by a run in with a chair leg? Had they played in the sand? Did they miss their eight other closest buddies and where are they now, and why haven’t they written or called? What a story they could tell and probably provide great conversation for an otherwise dull commute. However I now feel as if I have neglected my own toes, they are cold and crammed into very uncomfortable shoes that provide no protection from the infamous chair leg. I now feel today is a day for the toes around the world to declare loudly and in one voice, “I am not just a toe, I am a part of a whole person and that person needs love!” No worry toes this day is yours and to that we are off for a good warm soaking in a tub and a jar of toxic paint!

I Am Her Protector

Dear smelly person who is so inconsiderate that they pick the one Bart car that is completely full to board. You, you spawn form hell, who decided on this crowded Bart car it was the best place to spew that toxic gas from your nether regions and have sickened everyone on this car. You who have hidden in the sea of faces, deceiving all abroad, know I will be the hero this car needs. I will be the one to avenge this injustice. I will plug you up for eternity and put an end to you, and then like my Bart car, I will disappear into the shadows, ever watching and protecting her spirit.

Games of Bart

I am a huge fan on HBO’s Game of Thrones. Given what has transpired during season two I have no love for the character of King Joffrey. To my surprise this guy just got on my Bart train that looks almost exactly like a modern King Joffrey. I had to hold back actually punching him in the face but in my mind I was all like…BAM! “That one was for Winterfell” and…BAM! “That one was for the Stark family” and…BAM! “Just because you always look like you are smelling a fart!” Good thing I kept all this to myself huh?

One Way Ticket to Paradise

The longer I ride Bart the more I wish they would take a page out of the airlines book. Not that crazy rule where you have to stand in long lines and get hand raped by a guy who can barely button up his size 48 pants. Just one. The one rule that we all love. The page that says we get a movie, snacks and drinks. Oh and that awesome pillow. Yeah. Oh, and a lei when you finally reach your destination. Just that page. That would be awesome.

-Day dreaming People of Bart

Bart and You’re in the Future?

Dear Bart Riders,

I don’t want to scare anyone out there, but there is a gentleman on my Bart train with glasses that can see into the future. How do I know this? Well for starters they have some God awful magnification that when looked at dead on his eyes actually dissolve into the frames so that the only thing you see is the deep dark soulless worm hole that is his pupils. The kicker, he doesn’t use them to read. That is why my friends I am sure that this man can see into the future, or at least really freaking far away!

-Time and space traveling People of Bart